Topical jokes: Christmas football, Sports Personality and New Year honours

Festive period topical jokes looking at Sports Personality of the Year, Christmas football jokes and Poundland’s social media travails. 


Britain votes Brexit, a rage against an unaccountable Establishment which rewards failure. Establishment responds by knighting Nick Clegg.

˜Why are we giving unheralded nobodies New Year Honours?’ More from Nick Clegg’s wife later.

Man Utd to panic re-buy Wilfried Zaha, before then benching him all season and selling him back to Palace for some Frazzles.

Someone should ask Jose Mourinho if Pep Guardiola is now the special one.

The only person who thinks Paul Pogba is a £90m player is Andre Gray.

If they do Stranger Things when they’ve all grown up, you just know Mike and Ell will be whiny Guardian readers.

Hostility generated by the prospect of Steve McClaren joining any team could power the national grid.

Scottish Premier League say goal line technology is unaffordable. They’ll soon be saying that about goalposts.

Steve McClaren has been acting as a football consultant in the Israeli league. Which probably means he was in charge of taping Match of the Day.

Steve McClaren would be out of his depth managing a paddling pool in his back garden.

Knight rider

Not only is Prince Racist getting married, his shindig will cost 100 times what yours did.

Super Nadine Dorries is the gift that keeps on taking.

If you really want to make change, you need to look up from your phone and tell Prince Harry to get a fucking job.

Nick Clegg gets a knighthood for services to widescale apathy and disillusionment.

West Brom Christmas party cancelled because the defence had no presence.

Police in America shoot first and then don’t ask any questions later.

Kim Jong Un settling down for a night of Netflix and kill.

Wagamama apologises for ‘don’t be sick’ notice as it failed to also include ‘don’t ever take holiday’ and ‘don’t expect money for your labour’.

For those with no-one to have Xmas dinner with, can I just say you lucky basterts.

Apart their bowlers, batters and huge pool of oncoming talent, Australia haven’t got much, says James Anderson. Even the sledging is worse.

Leavers react to Blue Passports news by asking ‘what’s a passport?’

The new blue passport will play Fog On The Tyne when you open it.

So the blue passport returns. As will food stamps, the blackshirts and fucking Juliet Bravo.

Bitcoin is a bubble that could burst at any time. So much like coin then.

“Is this Poundland thing a a piece of clever inverse marketing using widescale boredom of the PC Left to buttress core customer loyalty?
Fuck no”

Poundland’s social media team could soon be shopping in, er, Poundland.

The leading lights of the Tory Party could end up being the main stars of Trainspotting 3.

Amazon will let Sky pay insane money for the footy and then buy Sky itself for two bob.

My shit old car exhibition was a triumph.

I can manage any club in the world, says David Moyes on his way to pre-booking his job centre plus visit in late May.

This magician’s course hasn’t taught me any good tricks. I’m feeling disillusioned.

If you’re feeling under the weather that’s probably because you live on the ground.

Sports Personality

No self respecting review of the sporting year doesn’t include a drunken Paul Merson discussing the Chinese Super League.

It can be long before the BBC lose the rights to Sky.

Looking forward to the 39 minute segment on the Humberside inflatable sword fight league.

Bollocks to Sports Personality. It’s making sport look like a royal wedding.

The Daily Mail is the only newspaper that is more insane than its own comments section.

Jose Mourinho refuses to comment on Man City milkgate, saying the incident past his eyes.

West Brom in real trouble – they should get that Pulis guy in.

Stoke would’ve played better if the lights had stayed off.

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