Topical jokes: The Ashes, Clattenburg self destructs and Donald Trump

Topical jokes as an England players spills a drink in Australia; Mark Clattenburg says he deliberately did not send Spurs players off v Chelsea; and Donald Trump recognises Jerusalem.

cricket ball

Joe Root says if England win the toss they will elect to sledge first.

Andrew Strauss says England will be rewarded with jelly and ice cream if they win the next test.

In Bladerunner 2049, Harrison Ford plays an OAP who spends his time crashing into golf courses.

Bladerunner 2049 is about a synthetic form of humanity known as actors.

Melania Trump would have been a better Bladerunner villain.

New Ashes crisis emerges as England star admits to leaving the dinner table without asking first.

The way Trump is up for digging up old rivalries, we’ll probably be refighting the Boer War soon.

Congratulations America. That alt right Israeli Muslim hate coalition has just ensured another wave of recruitment for the looney brigade. By which I mean the GOP.

Ban Trump from travelling

After seeing what the US President has just done in Jerusalem, I am warming to the idea of a Trump travel ban.

If Donald Trump had dropped a match into an Arabian oil well, it would have been less incendiary than what he’s just done.

Paisley as the City of Culture? Well apart from the fact it’s really not a city and it’s idea of culture is probably dragracing Fiestas…great idea.

So while elected politicians fall on their swords for groping, Johnny Depp keeps his lead role in a kids movie.

Rangers say they have strong alternative candidates including Johnny Depp and the ginger wan fae Taggart.

Big Vladimir Putin warns foreign powers not to interfere in the Russian election – as well as Russians.

I am guessing the Green Party want to stay in the single market so they will never have to enact their own policies.

Mark Clattenburg’s Tottenham Chelsea strategy is much like Tony Blair’s Iraq strategy.

Basically Mark Clattenburg has just let himself self destruct with that interview.

Whether black holes exist is matter opinion.

Reggie Yates leaves BBC over racist remark. Meanwhile Jeremy Clarkson continues his crass stereotyping across all platforms.

Shakespearean actors are the worst for leering.

Your plan for social mobility is never looking in good shape when even social mobility ‘experts’ don’t have jobs.

You’ve about as much chance of getting a seat on Virgin Trains as you do a bed in a Virgin hospital.

Maybe don’t let social mobility commissions be run by a man who got elected by lying about tuition fees.

Pizza Hut says sorry for doing a promotion with the Sun. Don’t worry lads, maybe you can get Wes Streeting to hand out some pizzas for ya.

Clatto goes batto

I really hope Mark Clattenburg helps my team lose by not sending our players off for obvious reds.

England deny Mark Clattenburg is advising Joe Root.

Does Donald Trump’s flying visit mean he will hover about Trafalgar Square in a Cessner?

On what grounds can you get away with racism? According to Luis Suarez, ‘Anfield’.

In the midst of a constitutional crisis, 80% of cabinet time is being spent discussing porn.

I bet you every single Tory password is ‘Tories’.

Britain First conference attendees also get a free alphabet poster.

Nick Clegg and Alan Milburn are experts in the mobility of Nick Clegg and Alan Milburn.

Nick Clegg told Alan Milburn to speak ‘truth to power’ when setting up the social mobility commission under the Tories. This is like something out of Muppet Babies.

Copper investigating Pornboy Green sounds like he exhaustively checked it wasn’t extreme.

Boris Johnson’s Spitting Image puppet is in fact Boris Johnson.

Donald Trump has retweeted an extremist group that wants to ban abortion and launch violent attacks against non white civilians. They are known as the GOP.

My suggestion is if you are using a House of Commons computer, then wear some gloves.

The only way England’s World Cup draw could be any easier is if they could play themselves.

Donald Trump is nothing more than the superego of the Republican party. The party without a media filter.

Boris Johnson’s so stupid he actually put ‘training up superheroes’ in a COBRA agenda item.

With Corbyn now eights points clear, expect the new narrative to be that he has failed to develop X Ray vision.

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