Trump goes to war: Syria crisis jokes and Facebook jokes

Topical Syria crisis jokes in the week that where Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was questioned by politicians.

assad

We attack a dictator who oppresses dissent by launching an attack which ignores our parliament.

Note to Forest Trump and Tezza May: that big warehouse that Assad has written ‘CHEMICAL WEAPONS HERE’ on may be a decoy.

Donald Trump says Syria strikes sent a message – which is more than his Twitter feed does.

We can’t allow Assad to think he can do whatever he likes. Currently we can report Assad is doing whatever he likes.

Breaking News: Assad to continue bombing people tomorrow.

The West must show itself to be strong and police the world. Which is why we let Assad bomb people and don’t try anybody for war crimes.

Someone tell Russia that the biggest evidence pointing to Assad’s guilt is their abysmal propaganda.

Only a Tory could claim they did not gain financially from owning a load of luxury flats.

If Theresa May wants to attack Syria without approval then she can hire a light aircraft and do it herself.

English Russophobia is the height of ingratitude – these folk beat the Nazis and won the you the World Cup.

Creepy Manu Macron says he wants to target Assad’s chemical weapons. So what was all the previous bombing targeting, his fucking stamp collection?

Buffon was only steaming because he’d forgot that Juve don’t pay refs any more.

The Shining

Boris Johnson’s so stupid he thinks Syria is something to do with an iPhone.

If you miss Enoch Powell’s racist speech being rebroadcast then you can just watch Nigel Farage on Question Time every other week.

I am thinking the White House right now is like something out of the dream sequences from Twin Peaks.

We need a calmer head in the White House – Jack Nicholson from the Shining maybe?

In a day’s time, Donald Trump will see the wreckage, insanity and hate he has caused. But anyway that’s enough about his mentions.

Instead of dropping bombs into Syria, how about we drop in Trump, May and Macron?

I hear we have SMART bombs but fear we have no smart politicians.

Pray Boris Johnson isn’t giving the orders on military action or we will end up smart bombing a Dominos in Norwich.

Theresa May’s final career-saving strategy now clear: Start a fight with anyone.

New dating app only for those who went to posh schools. Well there is already a political party and a state-funded TV channel for ’em.

Is mad Andrew Adonis saying ‘are you looking at me’ into a mirror yet?

The smell of napalm

Getting worried about mad Andrew Adonis. Can see him parachuting into Blue Peter and chucking around molotov cocktails while singing the Proclaimers in an Irish accent.

Hillary Benn loves the smell of napalm in the morning.

Come on if the BBC really hated Scotland, they’d still be showing the World Cup qualifiers live.

So finally we see Donald Trump actually do something dangerous. And is that the New York Times cheering?

Well I suppose Trump and Putin can discuss when to start World War Three after they talk through the next US election fix?

The UK wants to police Syria when it cannot police a night out in Barnsley.

Trump maybe used Cambridge Analytica data to find people who might like right wing nutjob stories. The other way of doing this is just going on any website for about five minutes.

Senators probably think Facebook hide all their data in a huge bag marked ‘data’.

More confusion in the Zuckerberg hearing as one senator complains that he shouldn’t have to be friends with people to see them in sexyshirts.

Senators ask Zuckerberg: “Can you please tell us what the hell all this Facebump, likey sharey shit is and then tell us what the hell to do. Also, what’s the internet?”

What is the internet?

Mark Zuckerberg, there, looking like a ten-year-old being brought in on charges of stealing a suit which he is still wearing.

Huge moment in Zuckerberg hearing as Senator Dick Douchebag asks why Clive’s ‘damn barbecue’ pictures ‘keep getting on to my computer’.

The slackjawed clowns interviewing Zuckerberg probably think Snapchat is a forum for people who like cameras.

Why have they let a petrol station attendant from Delaware cross examine Mark Zuckerberg?

Mark Zuckerberg tonight being interviewed by a bunch of supereducated data exper-Ah.

The way the West goes on, you’d think non chemical weapons are like those big cotton bugs outta Gladiators.

The Obamas pass on Harry’s wedding as MI5 are unable to guarantee that Prince Philip won’t attempt a citizens arrest.

When the line blurs between human rights lawyer and celeb blurs, you know we are in the shit.

The new centrist party will wear jackets and jeans while listening to the Arctic Monkeys in the morning – and will eventually be arrested for stalking.

Tony Blair is basically the political version of Richard Madeley.

Relief at Cambridge Analytica as it becomes clear what the new party of the centre will spend its money on.

Nick Clegg wants a breakaway party of the centre. Aren’t you actually in one Nick?

Iceland to help prevent rainforest destruction. Although Iceland is very good for the planet as the fat content of its sausage rolls will kill off humanity for sure.

As per all World Cups, the main danger to England fans travelling to the World Cup will be England fans travelling to the World Cup.

Tony Blair says there are people who feel underrepresented by politics – yes Tony they’re called Blairites.

Prince Harry and Meghan have picked their wedding charities – one hopes they will include the Samaritans for those of us who will lose the will to live.

Donald Trump is against sprinklers because of the impact on his mad syrup.

Kemi Badenoch would have been better served hacking into the Tory site and putting some decent policies in there.

Knife crime – result of structurally racist society.

Weak Sadiq’s answer? More stop and search – also the result of structurally racist society.

Lovefilm founder behind plans for a new party. Hopefully this means you’ll be able to send back your membership in a prepaid envelope.

George Osborne says the West is doing nothing about chemical weapons. He probably means we should start selling them.

Jeremy Corbyn is the Kremlin’s ‘useful idiot’, says Theresa May’s useless idiot.

As the van attack wasn’t a Muslim, the incident has been downgraded from END OF THE WORLD to a road traffic accident.

Members in the new political party designed to reinvigorate democracy will have to pay £300 and pass a yearly character test performed over Skype by Tony Blair.

Britain’s new political party will be called Fight The Power and all new joiners will get a free Lynx gift set.

Tories deny trying to scapegoat over knife crime as they blame recent attacks on Masterchef fans fighting over quinoa.

How about a Sunday political programme is that isn’t some bloke’s surname?

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