Spitting images: Jamie Carragher jokes and Jose Mourinho jokes

Topical jokes as a Jamie Carragher spitting incident is caught on camera, Jose Mourinho loses it again and the Russia spy scandal in Salisbury rages on. 

Liverpool

Jose Mourinho is basically saying as long as Man Utd are better than Darlington we should all shut up.

The media fawn over a Jose Mourinho speech in which he basically says Man Utd are shite.

Jose Mourinho is two defeats away from giving his interviews purely by the medium of spoken word R Kelly lyrics.

If you are going to hate any country in the world that’s got a lot of racism, then you yourself are gonna end up being quite a big racist.

Putin is deeply prejudiced and opposes diversity – so he has far more in common with the Tories than Corbyn.

The state of the KGB. Use a crowbar next time rather than poisoning an entire town with something only found in Russia.

Is it some unwritten rule that any spy killing has to be like it is out of John Le Carre?

Well I suppose the Tories could investigate the poisoning at their next fundraiser- loads of Putin’s pals will be there.

Still no-one dead as a result of the Russian invasion of Europe. Shame the same cannot be said of austerity.

Jim Bowen passes away. We await an explanation from the Russian Embassy.

Historians will scrawl on to some radioactive cave that the world ended over an unsatisfactory dining experience in Salisbury.

Vladimir Putin says spy killing was a moment of madness and he’s already apologised to the family. He had no idea there was a girl involved.

Jeremy Corbyn has just been slaughtered by his own party for suggesting we apply international law.

Going by the reaction, you’d think Jeremy Corbyn asked if he could use some nerve agent on Chris Leslie via a Skype from the RT studios while

drinking mad dog in a full Leyton Orient kit.

Terrifying and chilling aspect of this Russian spy stuff is the response from Labour backbenchers.

Good to see the Moyes era still influential at Old Trafford.

Jose Mourinho says Frank de Boer is the worst manager in Premier League history. Well he would have been the worst player in the Premier League – of Luxembourg.

If you wonder why Man Utd’s football is dour, negative and joyless, then just take a look at the manager.

Jose Mourinho is Sam Allardyce with a spray tan.

Well if another Russian falls ill this week, expect police to tell us all to self destruct.

Ah the new propaganda, so tedious and transparent. Brexit wil basically result in Vladimir Putin sucessfully invading the UK with a missile-equipped robin reliant.

Would Putin the master spy poison an entire restaurant with a Russian made nerve agent? Looks more like the work of Basil Fawlty.

Only way to get at Putin is to ban him from the gay magazines.

The people of Iraq laughing their socks off tonight as the UK claims a poisoning in a market town is an invasion.

Oh dear we have gone peak bonkers tonight. A nuke war with Russia? We all die. A ground war? Well, remember what happened at the Euros.

So Carragher now off to that desert TV station, what’s it called? Not be on Sky Sports any more?

In fairness Jamie Carragher does that every time somebody overtakes him.

Jamie Carragher: You can take the boy out of the Sky Sports bantercage but you can’t..well you get the drift.

You wonder what Jamie Carragher does when he actually is provoked.

Apparently Jamie Carragher said he would have liked to have been immortalised by a spitting image.

What is it with Sky pundits self destructing? What next? Thierry Henry bites Malala at a fundraiser?

Jamie Carragher now saying he was trying to put out a fire in the other car.

Troubling times for Jamie Carragher as Richard Keys arrives with a fishing rod and beer.

Jamie Carragher points out he suffered horrific provocation and endless messaging before he finally was pushed over the edge and apologised.

I wonder if Jamie Carragher has an AK47 in his boot.

So Putin’s assassin squad seem to be inspired by Midsommer Murders.

The people of Salisbury haven’t had this much excitement since the new B&Q opened.

There’s a fine line between toxic nerve agent and Zizzi’s carbonara.

How about when Donald trump and Kim Jong Un get in a room, we just lock the door and whistle like nothing’s happened?

People talk about Donald Trump averting a nuclear war but he’s got to turn up on the right day first.

Trump and Kim Jong Un in a world summit is like having a heavyweight boxing bout between Rainman and Rick Moranis.

Apparently North Korea will agree to drop nukes if Trump lets Kim Jong Un do The Apprentice.

If North Korea agree denuclearisation, how long before Jacob Rees Mogg calls Pyongyang asking for a trade deal.

That Donald Trump Kim Jong Un summit. Will Dennis Rodman go as interpreter?

Well at least Jim Davidson wasn’t rewarded for his racist jokes by getting a lucrative contract from a world renowned public service broadcaster.

Watching telly seeing all these pampered creatures strutting around a stage. Ah it’s an old Spice Girls gig.

Some people say Crufts is cruel and I agree. Those poor owners, they should get free access to mental health services.

Pitch invasion at Crufts after David Sullivan ginger poodle David just barked angrily at everyone.

Restaurant chains closing because they treat customers and staff nearly as bad as they do the food.

Jim Davidson has spent years fundraising for the armed forces who have to experience horrific things, such as Jim Davidson gigs.

Restaurant bosses blame rising employment costs for closure spate. Maybe these fatcats should try living off the wages they pay.

Disgusting and incomprehensible scenes at West Ham that we thought we’d seen the last of – when David Moyes got sacked last season.

I hope John McDonnell follows up his decision to not appear on Russia Today by also not doing BBC interviews following their non objective coverage of, er, fucking John McDonnell.

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