Topical jokes: Irn Bru, Toby Young and Trump nuke row

Topical jokes, including Irn Bru jokes, as Scotland’s favourite drink prepares to cut its sugar content. 

Why do I need reassurance, says Mark Hughes before opening a huge tub of ice cream.

So after this Irn Bru debacle, will we now see grapes removed from wine? Or do middle class things no count?

The sugar hit from Irn Bru is probably the only reason anyone from Scotland exercises in the first place.

I have seen anti social behaviour in Windsor. Mainly from some drunk ginger toff and his Army pals.

Tory leader complains of aggressive begging in Windsor. But what about the begging the Tories are doing in Brussels?

Aggressive begging in Windsor is only a problem because you have these folk living there who get money thrown at them for doing jack.

Scots are panic buying Irn Bru apparently. More news from the 1980s later.

Toby’s terrible tweets

Killing the insane Irn Bru sugar hit will only help heroin dealers.

If Toby Young gets sacked, will he then try and republish the 50k tweets he’s deleted.

Toby Young will soon be trying to procure a new face just so he can pontificate about universities for two days a month.

Team America is now officially more serious than US-NK diplomacy.

Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un probably need big red buttons to do anything.

People saying Falkirk should be forced to play behind closed doors – that would probably increase their crowd.

Next sales are up – which only goes to show how skint we all are.

If you had a Petrie dish trying to create the perfect coach for the soulless Chinese Super League, it would be Jose Mourinho.

Cabinet these days must be like a recurring festive EastEnders episode.

I mean who the fuck complains about wheelchair ramps? Toby Young is probably the only guy whose below-the-line comments are censored at Mail Online.

What kind of a credit card bill must Markle have rung up to have opted for a lifetime of Christmases with horseface and Gonch.

With Toby Young monitoring universities in Theresa May’s Suicide Squad, one assumes we’ll soon have Damian Green in charge of data protection.

New show featuring Nick Clegg in which he sees how wild he can get with diva-style requests before speaking engagements. Working title is knighthood rider.

At the very least, cunts getting knighthoods should have to arrive at the Palace on horseback wearing a metal bin.

In a parallel world, Remain won and Leavers who demanded a revote on Twitter were all punched in the face by Lord Adonis in a rainbow coloured Campri ski jacket.

Nuclear buttheads

IS gutted to miss out on most incendiary Middle East moment of 2017. Winner was of course Donald Trump and his extremist Israeli pals.

Kim Jong Un says the nuclear button is on his desk. Thankfully it is just a sheet of paper glued to a paperweight which says ‘nuclear button’ on it.

Ruin any hit song by pointing out Tories will now be dad dancing to it.

The FA need to help me with state of the art tech such as space/time travel, says new England coach Gareth Stargate.

Toby Young yet another writer who makes a living out of slagging off the state and also working for it.

Jeremy Corbyn has released a video showing Richard Branson enjoying a luxury lifestyle in the Caribbean while claiming he is skint.

Richard Branson needs a bail out to do more Corbyn attack videos.

So Brandon based his entire bid on track being upgraded exactly as planned. More chance of Thurrock voting in the SNP.

Richard Branson’s blog should’ve read: ˜I fucked up massively and now I want you to pay for it.”

So Branson demands to be bailed out when he’s losing money. And when he’s making cash he demands we pay more. Where does he live? Brass fucking Neck Island.

If I was Liverpool, I’;d just sign a keeper and if Klopp complains, hit him on the nose with a newspaper.

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