Amir agony: I’m A Celebrity jokes and Budget 2017 jokes

Jokes as I’m a Celeb gets under way and there is a false panic in central London. We also had Budget 2017. 

Weird story about Tory aide having to buy an MP a sex toy. Now emerges the sex toy was also a Tory aide.

Google/Facebook say they will weed out fake news. Well that’s nice of them, especially as they enabled it.

There are more fake stories about fake news than there is actual fake news.

People running for their lives in Oxford Circus because they thought Olly Murs might start singing.

Our Foreign Secretary is basically Rimmer off Red Dwarf.

Boris Johnson currently ringing MI5 after locking himself into the Foreign Office nuclear bunker. Again.

Breaking News: Police confirm incident at Oxford Circus was false alarm. One male former X Factor gimp does need new pants however.

West Brom sack a coach who’s never been relegated then approach someone sacked because his team was looking a cert to be relegated.

So it’s Black Friday. That day when close to obsolescent tech is sold for a 25% mark up.

Big Michael Gove doesn’t think animals are capable of sentience – not sure Tories are either.

Boris Johnson says animals are not capable of sentience ‘or any other kind of syntax.’

Soon the Budget will just be the Chancellor explaining how he’ll fund his bus trips to Wonga.

Big Phil says that thanks to Brexit, employers can now pay wages in Fruit Pastels.

Tories crow over how they have kept the cost of driving low. Cost to the planet may be a touch higher.

Big Phil to fund crackdown on folk who download porn at work.

Oh my God a Youtuber was homophobic and racist. Yes they’re stupid, that’s why they are fucking Youtubers. FFS.

Jack Maynard leaves I’m A Celeb due to offensive posts on social media. Odd, I thought that was the reason he was in there.

The only thing Amir Khan knows less about than reality shows is probably boxing.

Some great Black Friday offers. You can buy a small Northern European island for £75.

I haven’t seen Amir Khan that scared – since his last fight.

Amir Khan doesn’t appear to know how I’m A Celeb works – so much like the viewers then.

So Super Philip Hammond going for a surrealist Budget approach where there are no unemployed folk and Virgin offers free teleportation.

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