Tory conference 2017: Theresa May jokes and Boris Johnson jokes

Topical jokes as Theresa May’s conferences speech becomes one of the most humiliating spectacles ever seen. 

theresa may

British fed up of being told what to think, says man who tells people what to think.

Scotland just three games away from 270 minutes of total humiliation in front of a global audience.

If Rooney had stayed at Man Utd his community service would have been to play for Everton.

I am sure it is but a matter of time before Laura Kuenssberg gets a Tory to resign on air. Like maybe 76 years.

If the authorities want Wayne Rooney to do something which will help folk, they should have got him to get Ronald Koeman to leave.

Talking of Wayne Rooney having to do some crappie job he hates for a punishment, when’s the next Everton game?

Shame they couldn’t have downgraded the Rushdie fatwa to something like making him present C5 Blind Date. We could’ve bought into that.

Tory conference speechwriter yet to be paid. Surely Theresa May can cough up?

After Theresa May’s disastrous speech, there are fears backbenchers may field a stalking hoarse.

A jubilant Theresa May says her voice is back as cabinet colleagues tell her to shut up and listen to Boris.

As Theresa May demands loyalty, suddenly the rest of the cabinet develop a cough.

Theresa May might have been able to do something about that cough but she couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment.

The British Dream is Grant Mitchell going back on EastEnders.

They say some Tories are dead inside. By the look of their conference some of them are pretty dead on the outside.

Theresa May’s the new Jeremy Corbyn.

Boris Johnson mocking the dead not as big a story as whether Jeremy Corbyn was able to sit on a train apparently.

The only way things can get worse for Theresa May is if she wins the next election.

Theresa May somehow manages to follow up blowing a 25 point poll lead with something more humiliating.

Look forward to the next Brexit talks where Theresa May will be given an F and a load of p45s.

Jeremy Corbyn says he has a fully costed plan to make letters stick to walls.

Next Tory conference they can do interactive hangman behind Theresa.

Theresa May would’ve been better off doing Climie Fisher karaoke.

Gazza was turned away at Tory conference after organisers told him Theresa May already brought a fishing rod.

Theresa May just needed to finish her speech off by reminding everyone not to underestimate the power of a quiet woman.

Best not to trial your Who Wants To Be A Millionaire cheating strategy in the middle of Tory conference.

I think Theresa May’s speech would have gone better had she just read out the p45.

The British Dream is to try and leave an organisation but it ends up taking so long that the human species no longer exists on completion.

So the main headline from Tory conference is that Boris Johnson shouldn’t work in travel.

Theresa May finally gets her own football-style chant as Boris Johnson leads a chorus of ‘You’re getting sacked in the morning’.

Prankster interrupts Theresa May’s speech today, and yesterday they had one giving a speech on foreign policy.

By the state of the Tory conference audience, there might be some dead bodies for Boris to clean up in the audience.

Looney comedy character famed for interrupting things gives #TheresaMay a p45. Being named locally as George Osborne.

Does Boris Johnson really think a bloody war zone can be a tourist destination? Worked for Magaluf mind you.

There’s confusion at the South African embassy as Boris Johnson responds to a question on Apartheid by saying he isn’t hungry.

Bear Grylls has taken celebs to a hostile, desolate environment which few could survive in. It’s called the Tory conference.

Theresa May says it’s not about individual personalities – not that she’d know what that is.

Dan Evans banned from British tennis after testing positive for talent.

Last week Theresa May was mainly being slagged off viciously. This week she can look forward to her own party doing exactly the same. Surely Boris

Johnson is a Sacha Baron Cohen character?

Wait until Boris Johnson meets Kanye West and starts asking him about tinned fish.

Boris Johnson wades into Spain debate by saying there is no need for an independent Catatonia.

Confusion in Spain as police say they thought they were preventing bloggers putting out unapproved Clare Balding profiles.

BBC slams claims they are not doing enough Catalan coverage as they reveal tonight’s news will be given over to praising Clare Balding.

No-one let Spain negotiate with North Korea.

There’s nothing like masked men beating up women to quell unrest eh?

The irony is that if these Spanish police tactics were for Brits abroad we’d be cheering.

Big question at Tory conference is whether Theresa May will get Amber Rudd to do her speech.

Knowing this Tory government, they’ll suggest Big Ben can be used to warn London tower block residents of fire.

Growing concern that previous interview with Clare Balding comparing her to a latter day Joan of Arc may not have been the writer’s view.

As Spain uses horrific police brutality to stop a vote which has no power, thank God we have the EU to step i-Oh.

The media-Tory scum will probably blame this police brutality on Chavez. #CatalanReferendum

So you’re telling me the Saga magazine isn’t a fearless bastion of independent journalism?

Who does Clare Balding think she is? Rupert Murdoch?

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