Drink driving: Wayne Rooney jokes and Ryanair jokes
Topical Wayne Rooney jokes as Everton striker pleads guilty to drink driving and Ryanair proves to be pretty useless at running an airline.
Millennials who moan about low paid insecure jobs now protest because a firm which provides low paid insecure jobs has been banned.
Thousands of overpaid nerds now wondering how they’ll get from Piccadilly Circus to Trafalgar Square.
The FA has just cleared Mark Sampson of allegations that he was sacked by the FA.
So the FA sack someone they’re own investigators have cleared three times. Their legal team will just send over a blank cheque.
Mark Sampson smashes back into football as UKIP’s five-a-side coach.
Chelsea deny rumours that they’re letting Atletico Madrid pay with 2p coins.
Good to see the England women footballers proving they are just as good as the men – at racism.
Perhaps Nigel Farage can deliver his protest letter to the BBC during one of his 500 BBC appearances scheduled for…this week.
Mark Sampson there, wondering why Matthew Syed isn’t returning calls.
To make sure everyone still thinks they’re cunts, the FA clarify that Mark Sampson’s sacking is nothing to do with racism.
Why does everyone call Boris, Boris like he’s some Brazilian footballer? He’s too fat for darts.
Theresa May denies she has lost authority as she admits granting Boris Johnson permission to bring a water pistol to cabinet.
Most Man Utd won’t sing the dodgy Lukaku song. Most Man Utd fans don’t know any Man Utd songs.
If you are calling for Boris Johnson to be sacked this lunchtime, please do remember to use the word ‘again’.
Super Boris Johnson says the 350m figure is in fact the number of lies he would tell if the UK voted Leave.
Theresa may and Boris Johnson to be on the next series of Supernanny.
Breaking news: Thousands of angry Ryanair customers demand to know how they can get their flights cancelled.
Brexit has caused this Ryanair debacle – because the CEO spends his entire time on telly discussing it.
Ryanair cannot track annual leave – well at least they aren’t responsible for the safety of millions of people.
Michael O’Leary should already be gone and Ryanair, a business which hates its customers, hopefully dissolves too.
You just know that one day Wayne Rooney will be the Paul Hollywood of the microwave burger world.
Ryanair are making the horse and cart look like a glamorous form of transport.
I cannot wait to see what they are going to get Wayne Rooney to do. But that’s enough about Everton.
Credit Wayne Rooney. A pro athlete with the body of a Fray Bentos tester.
The thing about Wayne Rodney’s preference for the older ladies is that he himself looks about 76.
Colleen Rooney praying the community service isn’t at an old people’s home.
Wayne Rooney will have to do 100 hours of unpaid work. And if the Tories get their way, so will we.
Theresa May off to the unseat Boris Johnson campaign this weekend.
Police ready to work with vigilante paedo hunters. Another scary story which quietly bubbles away while we gawp at the Trumpman Show.
Ryanair have completely lost the pilot.
This Big Brother show really is terrible – at which point my missus says ‘you’re watching Question Time’.
Boris Johnson has the political ambition of Blackadder – and the brains of Baldrick.
Ryanair, a business which exists because folk go on holiday, now in chaos because of folk going on holiday.
The only expertise James Dyson can bring to Brexit is how to efficiently remove the biscuit crumbs after meetings.
Boris Johnson appears to have kicked off an unofficial leadership campaign. More news from 20 years ago later.
Vince Cable thinks he is an alternative PM. He now just needs a way to travel to the alternate reality.
Perhaps they should give Oumar Niasse Ronald Koeman’s locker.
Brexit Britain Tories put interests of a US firm ahead of British workers.
Tories once again showing they are the party of not-so-hardworking US multinationals. #Uber
Normal folk don’t use cabs. But long term Uber will turn cab driving from a decent paid job to something McDonald’s staff do in their lunch.