Ross Barkley jokes and politics jokes

Topical jokes this week include Ross Barkley refusing to join Chelsea and Wayne Rooney being arrested. 


Formulate a no-deal Brexit plan is the new Brexit.

Ross Barkley spotted with a fishing rod and beer outside his own house.

Danny Drinkwater signs for Chelsea for an undisclosed purpose.

Everton now need a payday loan  to pay for Sigurdsson.

Fuck did Chelsea doctors do to Ross Barkley, attempt a vasectomy

The location reporters should be forced to deliver their pieces to camera in the style of Eurovision judges.

Ross Barkley refuses Chelsea deal mid medical after Conte laughs at his nads.

If big Ross Barkley needs a lift back to Everton I hear Peter Odemwingie’s free.

Driving lesson

Wayne Rooney charged with causing mediocrity by excess crap shooting at the World Cup.

Wayne Rooney was asked by police to walk in a straight line and count fingers. In fairness the poor lad would struggle with that sober.

Wayne Rooney is the Premier League’s best 1970s footballer.

Wayne Rooney accused of driving under the influence of alcohol – which is still safer than driving under the influence of Wayne Rooney.

Racists should heed their own tweets and learn some English.

White society is so racist that even the debate about racism isn’t diverse.

Laura Pidcock wouldn’t be friends with a Tory while most other Labour MPs wouldn’t be friends with their own leader.

Antonio Conte will need the international break to Wikipedia his signings.

Well I think we can assume Paul Clement knows what Carlo Ancelotti did last summer.

Ronald Koeman has just offered Swansea Gylfi Sigurdsson for Renato Sanchez.

Antonio Conte is basically playing Footy Manager, drunk.

The problem with intelligent folk is that they don’t know how stupid they are.

I think the Tory Momentum would have got a lot more support with the name Deactivate.

Join Tory Activate and you’ll get 300 pre-written tweets to put on your social media.

Tory Activate movement in no way gives impressions of robot-citizens being controlled by a dystopian social network run by Michael Green.

West Brom vs Stoke is pretty much the entire BBC schedule.

I’m not saying Boris Johnson is a stupid racist but he does think Pizza Express is a budget airline.

Tory Momentum

Tory Momentum hits early trouble as Boris turns up and persuades everyone to smash up a Pizza Express.

Tory Momentum have set up a car pooling app to help volunteers ferry bankers to their mistress’s houses.

Tories looking to build a youth movement on hopelessness and fear. It worked for some German chaps.

Creepy Jacob Rees Mogg looks like he has been liking and following folk long before social media.

Louise Mensch’s reportage is like the Goonies editing Newsnight.

Louise Mensch responds to hoaxer claims by offering to fight Floyd Mayweather.

So it turns out Louise Mensch is more Barry Lane than Lois Lane.

Arsenal set to swap Alexis Sanchez for Raheem Sterling and a white flag.

Donald Trump totally ignoring victims of a horrific storm. More evidence that he is now going to stick to political convention.

Donald Trump responds to Houston by promising to build a giant roof.

Now hearing reports of people suffering series irritation in their ears in central London as Jeremy Hunt delivers a speech.

Jeremy Hunt says evidence shows the universe was not started by a ‘big bang’ but was probably due to a group of forward-thinking consultants

I wonder what the Spanish make of Gary Neville being the UK’s most high profile football expert.

Gary Neville asks who would buy Arsenal players. Probably be more folk than would give Gary Neville a job.

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