Topical jokes: Big Ben, Nick Ferrari and Pep Guardiola

Topical jokes as made Nick Ferrari presents Newsnight and the Tories get angry about a clock. 

Westminster

Last night Nick Ferrari looked like one of those folk who turn up in a magistrates court wearing a suit for the first time.

I actually thought it was Quincy presenting Newsnight until I realised it was Nick Ferrari.

Nazis in Germany came out of the collapse of an empire. Nazis in US came out of being pissed off by a blog they didn’t read.

I see Gorgeous George still enjoys a media career despite his epic failures as a politician. Editor of the Standard now.

Brexit debate now resembles a fight between Millwall and Bradford fans in a Sheffield car park.

New Big Ben should be pre-loaded with crap ringtones to make Middle England explode.

This Big Ben bong fiasco must be down to come crazy EU directive saying that people going deaf from work might be a bit shit.

MPs need Big Ben because the bongs keep them awake.

Vladimir Putin has hacked all the A Levels so all the thick people get the best scores. Well that’s my stab at explaining Boris.

Theresa May’s attempt at populism backfires as she says Big Ben is vital because poor people cannot afford watches.

Concern grows for Pep Guardiola as he arrives wearing a ludicrous baseball cap, asking for money for his daughter.

Pep Guardiola is making signings you wouldn’t get away with on Football Manager.

Pep Guardiola has gone from the Leonardo da Vinci of football tactics to signing Jonny Evans.

Just 38% want Prince Charles to be King, prompting aides to suggest he turns up unannounced at the next gig at Tranmere Rovers.

Disgraceful that a famous, decrepit London monument won’t be heard this New Year . Best wishes to Ken Clarke.

The only bar Nestle is making bigger is the one in the director’s office.

Nestle is getting so tight it’s even shrinking its invisible range.

Theresa May says she fully supports Ben continuing to bong, just not when he’s writing the Tory manifesto.

New cutting-edge centrist party to attract hipsters by getting Peter Mandelson to DJ at Pizza Express in Milton Keynes.

Jeremy Hunt says 44k bathroom is due to modifications needed for very serious bowel condition. Talking shite again Jez.

New centrist party is ‘tech, young people and crowd sourcing apparently’. So quite like people smuggling then.

PSG signing of Neymar a statement of intent. Yes, to destroy professional football as we know it.

Jacob Rees-Mogg consulting with friends over leadership bid. That won’t take long.

Antonio Conte getting universal sympathy because he only spent the entire GDP of Italy.

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