Topical jokes: North Korea, footy and Brexit

Topical jokes as Donald Trump responds to North Korea’s nuclear testing with predictable idiocy.

kim jong un

Watched Planet of the Apes 3D. Final score was 1-0 to Hanover.

I will bring fire and fury to North Korea, says Donald Trump. I’m hoping that’s the name of his cats.

Quite something when North Korea appears to have a nuke and most of us are terrified by the US president.

Mourinho says he is waiting for his players to gel. Where is he Tony and fucking Guy?

Right so when are these novelty Inner Space chocolate bars going back to normal?

Europa League denies competition is farce as it reveals prize money will be paid in TGI Fridays vouchers.

Simon McCoy enraged by having to do a pointless, trivial story on BBC News. Because that’s never happened before.

I suspect hardcore Bond fans really want the next 007 to be Jeremy Clarkson, with the villain Owen Jones as himself.

I love how long ball managers have taken to sounding like a stigmatised social group.

Talk of a disturbance at Burnley. Did someone try to pass it again?

The political centrist has gone from meek mum trying to calm unruly teenagers to a wild-eyed loon you don’t want to sit close to on a bus.

Young people have been shafted by Brexit, says man who shafted young people on tuition fees.

That is probably not a title winning performance is it? We’ll talk about Arsenal later

Tories point out that if we all just stopped working and helped prams Britain would explode.

Richard Branson about to publish footage that shows Corbyn had no need to help the pram lady as there was a 35-mile non-stair route.

Jeremy Corbyn only helped that lady with the pram after she promised that the child would be trained as a ninja and sold to Venezuela.

CIA have abandoned counter-terrorism to work out if they can swap out Donald Trump with Hulk Hogan.

Philipe Coutinho has emailed in a transfer request. Liverpool take firm action by disconnecting t’tinternet.

Antonio Conte says he’s determined to avoid a Mourinho season – though I did not know he meant by doing worse.

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