Topical jokes: Rangers lose to Progres and Mourinho buys big

Political topical jokes too as the total lack of links between the BBC and government is shown as Theresa May’s new of head of communications is a BBC executive. 

rangers

Out of Europe in early July, Pedro Caixinha shows he’s quickly adapting to Scottish football.

Progres Niederkorn will now play Forward Star Veruka or Improving Bunyan.

Super Pedro Caixinha is now to ban anyone with blue shirts with Rangers written on them.

Progres Niederkorn could go on to win the Europa League – or go out in the next round 46-0 to some fat Bulgarians.

Imagine being Luxembourg’s fourth best team. Well I suppose it’s better than being Scotland’s third best.

So that’s Scottish teams now having to start qualifying in January then.

Big Pedro Caixinha starts to realise Jeremy Beadle is not going to suddenly run out with a diving mask.

Scottish football. From twatting Cruyff’s Holland to ‘you’ve got to hand it to Progres Niederkorn’.

Rangers seem to have gone out of Europe to some sort of dermatological foot product.

Luxembourg minnows put Rangers out of Europe. For a while there was a shock result on the cards.

Rangers might be better off entering Britain’s Got Talent.

Jose Mourinho says the signing of Lukaku shows the club have a real chance of staying up.

Jose Mourinho rages at pundits constantly slagging off his players as that’s his job.

Jose Mourinho denies he simply buys whoever’s good at the time as he bids £60m for that bloke who scored for Progres Niederkorn.

Without all that tax cheating Rangers would currently be fifth in the Luxembourg Premier Division.

May-BBC jokes

So great now that men can hold hands and kiss without being judged. Most of them aren’t even gay.

Donald Trump made a wrestling video diss on CNN? Well his presidency has been reported like it’s a WWE shitshow.

Unelected and unaccountable person at G20 replaced by Ivanka Trump.

John Chilcott says Tony Blair was ‘not entirely straight’. Fuck sake. He also says Isis ‘do get a bit angry sometimes’.

There are paperboys who misdelivered the Guardian that have suffered more punishment than Tony Blair has.

So Theresa May’s new comms director spends the evening being roundly abused on Twitter. At least he’ll know how his boss feels.

Lord Leveson to reopen investigation of media and politics links once he’s finished stint as new editor of the Daily Politics.

Share value of Pritt Stick drops but it’s still not to be sniffed at.

Jeremy Corbyn only cares about young people, which is why he saved the triple lock and winter fuel payments.

Left told to broaden appeal by Blairites. Left broadens appeal. Left accused of selling out by Blairites.

Centrism is the political phenom where stupid folk dig themselves further and further into a hole until they’re at the centre of the Earth.

I was on Chelsea’s books once – but that’s enough about my brief time interning in the White House.

What the Tories call a magic money tree, the rest of us call taxation.

Sheeran cheek

Fiscal discipline is not selfish, says David Cameron in between the fifth and sixth course of a 10k-a-head banquet.

A number of BBC journalists in line to take over as Theresa May’s head of media from the outgoing Laura Kuenssburg.

May be easier to list the BBC journalists NOT in the running to run Theresa May’s media team.

 

Latest hipster restaurant selling only egg sandwiches described as cress opportunism.

Based on the decisions of that Video Assistant Ref at the Confos, I can only assume they were watching the trip scene from 2001.

Ed Sheeran says he has come off Twitter due to abuse. By which he means continuing to post on it.

Iceland supermarket is so bad for the environment due to the amount of defrostation.

Bad enough the Lib Dems only have one in the field for leader but they’ll be wanting to rerun the vote in a year.

Panicking Tories will be holding solidarity meetings with Nicolas Maduro soon.

I see lots of posh folk calling their kids India, but you never see a ‘Pakistan’ do you?

Theresa May announces terms of Grenfell fire to solely look at how it can be linked to Jeremy Corbyn.

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