Topical jokes: Theresa May, DUP and De Boer in at Palace

Topical jokes as the Tories pay £1bn to stay in power while Frank de Boer takes over at Crystal Palace.

Westminster

Boris Johnson was sacked for making up a quote and was then employed to make up entire stories.

Boris Johnson produced fake news for years – but it’s OK if you’re white, male and can say wank in Latin.

The Canary is all fake news, say pricks who said Corbyn was unelectable.

John McEnroe in more trouble as he claims Serena Williams would lose at arm wrestling to the Incredible Hulk.

Crystal unclear

Frank de Boer’s first job will be to get hypnotherapy to Cabaye to remind him he used to be good at passing.

Frank de Boer planning a Total Football revolution at Palace. So in other words Big Sam will be back in October.

Frank de Boer’s face when finds out Palace player bonuses are based on the number of corners and throws in per game.

Crystal Palace switch from Big Sam Allardicci to Frank de Boer – which is like trying to get a Rustlers addict to eat kale.

Foreigner register

So Theresa May’s EU citizen plan is to make them sign a register like they’re Jimmy Saville or some shit.

I’d have thought knowing not to actually post that you think you’re part of an intellectual elite is a requirement for being in one.

The Tories seeing a wasteland of mud, bad sanitation and vast overcrowding as a middle class paradise tells you their plan for Britain.

The DUP are power sharing in Northern Ireland, power sharing in the UK…do they fancy getting involved in Syria too?

With that £1bn quid, the DUP can actually try and build a Magic Money Tree.

DUP have played a blinder – perhaps put them in charge of Brexit?

Theresa May signs a deal that would get you fired off the Apprentice. I can’t wait for the Brexit negotiations.

Theresa May agrees £1bn DUP deal after rejecting the alternative of attending their summer barn dance.

No changes to triple lock or winter fuel. The Tories have paid £1bn to implement the Labour manifesto.

Theresa May’s deal is like something out of a bad Guy Ritchie movie.

Tories just given the DUP £1bn. And I thought football teams wasted money.

Boris Johnson sparks fury at Middle East conference by claiming the UK ‘did not attack anyone called Lydia’.

Theresa May told she’ll be asked to resign if we get Oh Jeremy Corbyn sung at Wimbledon. You know what to do Andy Murray.

Royal Ascot looks less classy than Isis-controlled Syria.

We can basically replace opinion polls with singometers at sports grounds.

Theresa May announces terms of Grenfell fire to solely look at how it can be linked to Jeremy Corbyn.

Jeremy Corbyn’s poll miracle apparently down to a policy he did not have or ever discussed.

Look at that centrist wet dream Macron – has the unsettling sinister emptiness of an American Psycho character.

While Jon Snow says ‘fuck the Tories in a field drunk, the BBC said ‘fuck Jeremy Corbyn’ every day on air for two years.

Boris Johnson was sacked for making up a quote and was then employed to make up entire stories.

Boris Johnson produced fake news for years – but it’s OK if you’re white, male and can say wank in Latin.

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