General election 2017: Question Time jokes and Theresa May jokes

Topical jokes as a series of key TV debates reveal quite  a lot of folk in York want a nuclear war. 

bbc

Labour is for lefties, the Tories for righties. And Blairites – suggest you find your nearest Wimpy.

Theresa May has essentially given Jeremy Corbyn a platform to vastly improve his polling. Cheers Tez.

Spoz old folks want nuclear war because we’ve left ’em rotting in care dungeons manned by ex cons.

There’s no magic money tree, says Theresa May in her 3k shoes.

Disgusting that Donald Trump will not join world’s brave effort to pretend it cares about climate change.

Tories bang on about magic money tree but where is this magic Theresa May they keep banging on about?

Boris Johnson has become like some sort of Bullingdon version of Ja Ja Binks.

So Tories keep their 100pt lead among racist nutjobs.

BBC Question Time

Twatty hair from York probably wanted to nuke Iraq until it turned out their WMD was actually just combs.

By the way nutjobs, if you are desperate for World War 3 I wouldn’t pick someone too scared to debate an old man.

“Left wing audience: Cheers for money to the NHS. Right wing audience: Cheers for nuclear apocolypse.

A political debate where the voters worried you more than the politicians.

The racist fucks in that audience were basically like ‘shall we nuke just Iran and Korea now’.

Asked about air quality, Super Boris Johnson says he is a huge fan of Prince Charles.

People who say foetuses should be treated as people haven’t met Boris Johnson.

Theresa May explaining why she doesn’t like TV debates on a TV debate.

Tonight’s right wing Corbyn revelation is that he once went out with a girl and, on reflection, then decided not to go out with her.

I’m not saying this election is weird but I think wee George Osborne might be voting Corbyn.

Theresa May hates this country so much she doesn’t want to talk to the British people even when she’s asking to run the country.

Theresa May thinks Prime Ministers should be seen and rarely heard.

Theresa May is a bloody difficult woman…to see.

Poll power

Why on Earth would Russian hackers need help from Nigel Farage? To get a few John Smiths in?

Big Nigel Farage currently trying to squeeze through a back window at the Ecuadorean embassy.

Let’s just hope Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t get overexcited and sign Tino Asprilla.

Remember when Pa Broon going on YouTube was the height of election excitement?

Miles behind in the polls. Party desperate to launch a coup. A raft of policies nobody likes. But don’t discount a Tory comeback.

Theresa May wanted to be the Iron Lady – she became the Invisible Lady.

There will definitely be no Brexit deal as Theresa May won’t turn up for any of the meetings.

Rather than a coalition of chaos, I saw a coalition of folk who quite like nurses.

Finally it emerges Theresa May missed the debates to enter her local Weatherspoons curry-downing championship.

Theresa May says she is far too busy avoiding the public to go on TV.

In fairness big Amber Rudd only turned up because the Tories could not persuade one of Gorillaz to do it.

Theresa May began looking for a mandate to negotiate Brexit. She’ll end up with barely enough mandate to lead her party.

‘As my election campaign crashed, I decided to spend the evening catching up on Crossroads.” More from Theresa May’s memoirs later.

Theresa May is hiding under a strong table.

Super Michael Gove tells Emily Maitlis that he wishes he could fly right up to the sky but he can’t.

Even if untrue, Corbyn should say he deliberately tanked PMQs to tempt May into an election.

Labour in secret plan to actually win election.

No deal is better than a bad deal although no deal would in fact be a bad deal. Tory genius.

First day of the Corbyn premiership and a humbled Laura Kuenssberg doths her cap to JC and asks: ‘Are you a member of the IRA?’

Hillary Clinton week away from not being the most electorally inept English-speaking politician.

Theresa May asks if there’s a chance of best two out of three.

If Corbyn wins, then I’m backing the Tories to ban reality.

Paxo returns

I keep having this weird dream where Corbyn loses the election due to a Jim Leighton fumble.

Theresa May asking Wembley Stadium if she can move her victory party to the Pitcher and Piano.

In fishing rod and beer news, now Sam Aallardyce has turned up outside CCHQ.

Corbyn would go alone and naked into Brexit talks, says Theresa May. Her Foreign Secretary goes alone and naked to Waitrose.

Big Craig Levein furiously denies rumours that one of the notes sent to wee Ian Cathro said ‘your name is Ian Cathro’.

Corbyn would be alone and naked in Brexit talks. More from Theresa May’s sex diary later.

Paxman’s legal career was cut short because he never let anyone finish a sentence.

Theresa May is so dull she might end up having an affair with Edwina Currie.

Well the main conclusion from tonight is that Theresa May’s memoirs will not be thrilling.

Journalists are praising Corbyn across the spectrum for things that two months ago they were slagging him off for. #BattleForNumber10

Tiger Woods, there, showing that twatting a wee ball round big empty fields with idiots while wearing shit clothes…doesn’t make you happy.

Tories really starting to panic after Tiger Woods turns up with a fishing rod and beer.

Tories really starting to panic after Gazza turns up with a fishing rod and beer.

No terrorist attack, no matter how despicable, should makes us sacrifice our core beliefs, such as hating weird US pop music.

You cannot help but think that there is someone looking like Lloyd Bridges in CCHQ right now muttering something about not giving up heroin.

Recent survey found 62% of people did not know where Huddersfield is (survey from sample of 500 in the Huddersfield area).

Theresa May is conducting this election campaign as if she is the Bravo Two Zero guy.

Boris Johnson says he will take digital privacy more seriously by getting his missus to shout ‘end to end encryption’ after sex.

The Troubles in Ireland were far more complex than is being made out. Thankfully we finally found a way to stop U2.

Horrifying story of dementia sufferer being milked of all her money by authority figure. Police name person of interest as Theresa May.

Bono forced to hang out with George W Bush after Theresa May told him it would make her look bad.

If Corbyn hits 35% vote share, we’re gonna need *that* Norwegian football commentator.

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