General election 2017 jokes: Leader interviews and security debate

Topical jokes as security dominates the news and the leaders are grilled by Andrew Neil.

jeremy corbyn

Terror threat now reduced from Ariana Grande to Billie Piper.

Tactical genius from Antonio Conte, ensuring Wenger stays for another season.

Arsene Wenger describes FA Cup win as sweet. The Wenger Out mob’s feelings are more sweet FA.

LibDems fury as it emerges Andrew Neil versus Tim Farron is to be shown on CBeebies.

Trouble for Tories is that intelligent charismatic capitalist types don’t want to spend their weekends at barn dances full of racists.

Donald Trump says he is no Islamophobe and points out how the US helps with all the Ramadan fireworks.

Andrew Neil is politics answer to Peter Stringfellow.

Hillary Benn should leave Labour and carry Nick Clegg’s biros around or something.

Jeremy Corbyn says he has never met any member of controversial organisation News International.

Michael Fallon’s election campaign is reminding me of the French World Cup campaign in 2010.

Seems like the only person who will hold Jeremy Corbyn to account for supporting more nukes in the UK is Jeremy Corbyn. Mike Ashley says his inspiration in business is ‘whoever did the pyramids’.

Theresa May ducks babysitting over fears she’ll be asked to read The Tortoise and the Hare.

LBC appear to have found a solution which would appear fairly final.

Hey I have this great story about this unheralded dude clawing back the biggest poll deficit ever but no-one’s bothered.

What a Dad’s Army response to the terror attack. A security alert every other hour – just needs Tezza May going around screaming DON’T PANIC

Wee Mick Gove thinks children should be seen and not heard. Well that’s based on his approach to babysitting.

Theresa May now regretting betting her husband that she could write a manifesto while on meths.

Hey maybe while the Army are out covering police work, they could also staff some libraries and swimming pools?

Reports that fans were sombre and almost disinterested in Europa League. So a normal Europa League atmosphere then.

The Sun presumably sacked Kelvin McKenzie for being an out-of-touch, unfunny bigot. Trouble is that’s their target market.

Theresa May denies panic as she says she would ‘love it’ if we beat Isis before storming off.

Crystal Palace chairman: “I am shocked at Sam Allardyce’s departure. Only yesterday I was helping his daughter buy a house.”

I can’t wait to see if the Manchester bomber was a quiet, somewhat alienated man with a long history of being a bellend. I’m on tenterhooks.

I am sick of hearing that Muslims must do more to expose the evil in our society. They don’t run LBC.

Maybe Roger Moore faked his death because Theresa May keeps ringing, asking him to defeat Isis.

The only thing scarier than the Tories stage managed campaign is how the media have just accepted it.

Arsene Wenger blames bad results on uncertainty caused by man known locally as Arsene Wenger.

Theresa May has the look of someone who’ll be managing Sunderland in three years.

Jeremy Corbyn to fund NHS from proceeds of libel actions against right wing Labour MPs.

Rupert Murdoch’s main beef with the BBC is that it is always nicking his staff.

BBC furiously deny bias claims as Laura Kuenssberg blames Tory poll slump on ‘planetary realignments in the Venus area’.

Tories told Theresa May won’t get on desert island discs as long as Crosby’s still on hash.

Boris Johnson was only looking at Peston’s interview notes to remember his own name.

North Korea fires unidentifiable projectile as Theresa May fires unidentifiable manifesto writer.

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