Topical jokes: Pippa Middleton, Millwall and election latest

Topical jokes in the week where Jeremy Corbyn turned up at a Libertines gig while someone idiot’s sister got married. 

kate middleton

Raging Theresa May is told the only gig she’s been invited to remains Paul from Neighbours comeback at the Grimsby NCP.

People say Theresa May doesn’t get cheering crowds, but she does if the right wing press turn up.

Jeremy Corbyn appears at Libertines gig. You just know Dan Hodges will now write 800 words saying Corbyn should be going to Bluetones gigs.

Theresa May laughs off Jeremy Corbyn’s Libertines stunt as she prepares to take the stage to name the 14th Cheshire Liquidator of the Year.

In an emotional speech, Pippa Middleton says she cannot really reflect on the day until she’s seen the buzz on Insta.

The same Donald Trump who suggested banning Muslims has just agreed to sell vast amounts of fire to Islamic fundamentalists.

Millwall again

Another major showpiece London event ruined by idiots causing a scene. More news from Pippa’s wedding later.

People say Wembley should not host Millwall games. They should just do them in a Weatherspoons car park.

Millwall issue statement saying small minority of fans let the club down by staying in their seats.

Millwall say pitch invasion was sparked after fan saw a spider.

Tomorrow Anderson Cooper will issue an apology for not doing a stop-and-chat with a former neighbour.

So typical of the elite to arrange an election to try and distract us from important stuff like Pippa’s wedding.

Donald Trump in Saudi Arabia to explain how to get rid of high ranking security officers without scrutiny.

Donald Trump in Saudi Arabia to discuss human rights and how to end them.

Middleton nightmare

Pippa’s father-in-law Bernard not coming after his offer to do the catering refused.

We should not sneer at folk who like Pippa Middleton – many of them have earning difficulties.

Duchess of Cambridge denies trying to revenge-upstage her sister as she arrives in full Hull City kit with Dirty Den.

Roger Federer at Pippa Middleton’s wedding after finding out she’s been asked to decide the seedings this year.

Floods of tears at Pippa Middleton’s wedding- by journalists wondering what happened to their careers.

At some point we’re going to have to accept that caring about Pippa Middleton is a disability. More from the father of the bride later.

Don’t panic but I hear that most climate scientists are now watching a lot of Back to the Future.

So Pippa Middleton’s wedding is being closely guarded with only a handful of rich buffoons allowed in – bit like a Theresa May speech.

Bad enough we’re obsessed with rich scroungers, now we’re obsessed with their relatives too. Pippa Middleton

If you snuck Poundland napkins into Pippa Middleton’s wedding it would be classed as a terror attack.

Labour are not holding the Tories to account, say journalists who are experts at doing exactly the same.

Come on UKIP voters we know you’re downloading loads of porn. Last thing you need is May’s snoopers charter.

Free school meals removal a double blow as some teachers using alphabet spaghetti to teach English.

Theresa May is doing like a Brewster Millions version. Every awful policy just increases her vote.

Theresa May to replace free school dinners with a massive fuck-off exam.

I bet you the people voting Tory got educational Xmas presents.

Ed Balls is a failed celeb, strictly speaking.

Hey Ed Balls, Labour are providing a choice to the British people while your focus was relaunching the roly polys.

Boris Johnson says all his figures are fully accosted.

This is the most big Paul Nuttall’s been on the telly since his Wildlife on One days.

What’s Boris up to? Doing a pulled pork recipe in a synagogue?

Tory voters are the only folk who make more sense after dementia.

Theresa May: fucking you in life, taxing you in death.

If a tree falls in the forest and doesn’t make a sound, is it still more relevant than the LibDem manifesto.

Jeremy Corbyn is not fit to defend our interests abroad, says Foreign Secretary who boasts about booze cruises in temples.

I think some of the folk writing the Libdem manifesto already think cannabis is legal.

Libdems only want to legalise cannabis because they’re going to need a load when the results come in.

Amber Rudd calls Labour ‘sixth form marxists’. Better that than sixth form bullies who like to beat up the Muslim kids.

Tories say you can have a year off if your parent is sick. And if you work in manufacturing, you can have your whole life off.

That Jeremy Corbyn cannot be trusted with money, says bird who spends a grand on a pair of shoes.

Nationalised industries end of full of overpaid establishment bureaucrats, warns state-owned BBC.

Jeremy Corbyn will only get the young to vote if he agrees to be a struggling chip shop owner in Hollyoaks for six months.

Donald Trump defends sharing secret list of DC strip joints that do 2-for-1 on whisky sodas.

Will Labour meet all their manifesto promises? Probably not. Will the Tories? You better bloody hope not.

Voter who slated Theresa May today confirms she’ll still vote Tory because Corbyn won’t start a war with Russia.

I hear Scottish Labour are distancing themselves fae Corbyn. No it’s more Corbyn and anyone sane distancing fae Scottish Labour.

Jeremy Corbyn’s a dangerous peace loving hippy say folk who also accuse him of running terrorist organisations.

Super Boris Johnson told to stop using up credits on the Tory YouGov account by asking questions such as ‘Is Bojo sexy?’

In addition to destroying the NHS and leaving an economically beneficial trading area, Tories now trying to restart the Troubles.

Furious journalists now raging at Corbyn because he makes them ask their own questions.

People don’t care about world peace but they are massively bothered about NATO article five.

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