General Election 2017 jokes: NHS crisis and Theresa May’s weird campaign

General election jokes as the NHS is hit by a cyber attack and nobody is allowed to ask Theresa May anything. 

Jeremy Hunt

Big Jeremy Hunt not able to be interviewed about NHS because unlike doctors/nurses he doesn’t work weekends.

‘Minister there is an NHS IT crisis?’ ‘Who let the NHS have IT?’

Apparently 90% of the NHS is on Windows XP – the rest is on Amstrad.

Panicking Theresa May starts to wonder if she should include ‘Jeremy Hunt to be eaten by a bear’ in her manifesto.

Tories education plan is to make four-year-olds sit A Levels and those who fail get put on an 18-year fruitpicking skills bursary.

Middle England says we cannot afford Labour policies but then keeps going on about how rich we are when talking about Brexit.

The Labour Manifesto is about helping people. Sadly most of Britain would rather be punched in the face by Boris Johnson.

That disgusting Jeremy Corbyn spending money on schools when the strong and stable Tories have earmarked all for Brexit bureaucrats.

Theresa May is just attending events full of folk who swallow her every word and ask easy questions. They’re called press conferences.

Theresa May should just go round the UK in a fucking atlasphere.

Phil Neville says Nacho Monreal looked like he was at a christening. Well his Valencia players looked like they were at a wake most weeks.

Phil Neville says Nacho Monreal looked like he was at a christening. Did Phil Neville go to christenings in his football kit?

The big question in May’s Britain will be who suffers more out of foxes and sick people.

Fury in the May household as the PM’s husband is told he cannot come into the kitchen unless a press officer sees his planned smalltalk.

Stressful exams at primary school did me no harm, says man who now kills disabled people using benefits reforms.

The country’s favourite fake news article would be ‘Kelvin Mackenzie to be human bouncy castle’ on the Isle of Scilly.

There’s this powerful lady who just repeats the same scripted message and hates talking to anyone ordinary. She used to edit The Sun.

Social media’s full of narcissism and fake messages that causes violence and depression. So just like reality then.

Emmanuel Macron begins his EU reform agenda by holding a secret meeting with tecnocrats in a five-star hotel.

Expect Macron to repay the Left by calling them all racist.

Tories who think schoolchildren should be treated like prisoners probably also think wearing T shirts at work will destroy business.

Consternation at a school election event as Boris Johnson says he doesn’t like Brahms, ‘or any other Brazilian lagers’.

Given Iain Duncan Smith’s benefits policies, surely he should have rapped Till I Colllapse?

Iain Duncan Smith does Eminem on TV. Well it beats his PMQs performance which were more Stutter Rap.

Super Jeremy Hunt blames patients for NHS mess, saying many of them spend all day in bed.

Jeremy Hunt agrees nurses using food banks is despicable – as that means less profit for his pals at Asda.

Jeremy Hunt blames NHS problems on the fact that people keep turning up asking to be cured of stuff.

Jeremy Hunt denies suggesting intensive care units will be funded by pay-as-you-go pound coin meters.

Big Jeremy Hunt says nurses should boost their income by taking on jobs which require no experience – like editing the Evening Standard.

In Ireland Stephen Fry is accused of blasphemy. In England accusing Stephen Fry of anything gets you charged with blasphemy.

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