General election jokes 2017: Theresa May fires the gun

Topical jokes as the Tories announce a snap general election. 

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Theresa May to launch her stability manifesto from a bouncy castle.

Last Tory election based on stability. Since then no stability and now Tories call another election promising stability.

Tory election campaign more choreographed than Fame.

Third world elections often held in tight security and can be mere choreographed processions. Now that’s Britain and France.

Eric Pickles says he will continue to be the totty at Tory social events.

Eric Pickles quits to focus on northern curry houses.

Tory campaign a series of fabricated events facilitated by a compliant media dutifully filming Kim Jong May.

I want Barry Hearn to buy croquet, rebrand it as hammergolf and sell the rights to the BBC.

Doogie Carswell MD vs Arron Wanks was the political equivalent of an Audley Harrison fight.

Worldwide hunt now on for an alt right neocon TV host whose rage isn’t fuelled by supressed sexual violence fantasies.

Count Election

Theresa May has spent a lot of money to look like the old dude off Lovejoy.

Theresa May’s 2024 election strategy will be to get Spain to invade Gibraltar.

If Theresa May did TV debates, they would have to be held in fucking Transylvania.

If you don’t vote you don’t have a say. So like Nick Clegg in 2010.

Before we proceed with a radical progressive alliance, I think Blairites may have to stop asking the Triads to off Corbyn.

Nick Clegg is a political libotomy.

You don’t deserve a say if you do not vote – or if you vote LibDem.

Vote Libdem so we can get fixed term parliaments..

Theresa May has been told to avoid TV debates in case she live-eats a budgie.

Big Theresa May will eschew TV election debates to discuss tartan embroidery with former sitcom alien Alf.

Tories expecting a landslide – in fact there should be quite a few once we have no health and safety laws after Brexit.

Jeremy Corbyn will have massively surpassed ‘expectations’ if he gets through the election without falling into a toilet.

Theresa May’s first manifesto pledge is for the UK to join the Saudi Convention on Human Rights.

Theresa May to undergo pre-election image makeover from HAL off Space Odyssey.

Shallow Grave

Anyone wondering what Jeremy Corbyn’s first gaffe will be should ask the journalists who have already written about it.

New Labour’s economic policy was basically like trying to fund your mum’s healthcare from Paul Merson’s fixed odds winnings.

Right wing Labour MPs are starting to remind me of the characters from Shallow Grave.

A vacuum cleaner programmed to say ‘Stuart’ every day at 1546 would be more appealing to the public than right wing Labour MPs.

Donald Trump versus Kim Jong Un is as if the two protagonists in Dumb and Dumber suddenly had a game of chess.

Breaking: Dangerous lunatic suspected to have access to nuclear weapons criticises North Korea.

If you play a soap character for more than ten years then you should legally have to adopt that persona all the time.

BBC angrily deny cutbacks claims as it reveals Doctor Who’s new time travel vessel will be called ‘the Vic’.

BBC salary cap bites as the new Doctor Who named as Alan Titchmarsh with new arch enemy revealed as Alan Titchmarsh.

The new Doctor Who should clearly be Tony Adams.

Sting announced as the new assistant manager of Granada.

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