Paul Nuttall jokes and football jokes

Topical jokes in the week that Paul Nuttall’s Stoke by-election is beset by all the lies on his website. 

ukip

The only person who gave Donald Trump an easier time than Justin Trudeau, was Hillary Clinton.

Canada’s ferocious response to the US descent into fascism will be emoji-based.

Panicking UKIP advisers tell Paul Nuttall he cannot sell double glazing while campaigning.

Super Paul Nuttall says he will finish his PhD as soon as he’s finished collecting tokens for the new Fireman Sam action figure.

Hey Twitter can you divorce your children? Just asking for Paul Nuttall’s mum.

Super Paul Nuttall says the extra £50m for the NHS post Brexit will be funded from his mime artist franchise business.

It’s odd that Paul Nuttall makes all these fanciful claims on his CV but didn’t include prolific writer of fiction.

Paul Nuttall didn’t lose close friends at Hillsborough – although in fairness he’s losing shitloads of friends in Stoke right now.

Paul Nuttall did not have trials for Tranmere – although he may have had trials in Tranmere…magistrates court.

Paul Nutjob would actually be OK in the Apprentice CV round as it’s so fake that poor old Claude would just implode.

I’m leaving over Labour strategy, says man responsible for it.

Panicking Theresa May asks if it is possible to do a state visit on Skype.

I remember those quaint days when we wondered if wrestling was ‘real’. Now we dream of a time when everything will be as real as wrestling.

BBC Question Time starting to resemble an AA group which is minutes away from just sacking off and getting the voddy out.

The guy who’s currently erasing Paul Nuttall’s omnipotent fake CV may as well remove UKIP leader while he’s there.

JK’s rowing

Today the offence police got angry about London Dungeon tweets. Tomorrow they’ll be asking why Jason Statham needs to swear so much.

This JK Rowling-PIers Morgan ‘feud’ is like something out of a Jack Nicholson romcom.

If Danny Dyer becomes Doctor Who they can just drop the doctor bit.

Mafia Women with Trevor McDonald. Is this a documentary or snuffporn?

Football latest

Looking forward to Jose Mourinho presenting Harry Arter wiith a bouquet and a Red Arrows flypast.

Gary Neville and Ryan Giggs would’ve got a better reaction had they announced plans to actually build a white elephant.

Any Premier League managers who are petulant in interviews should be forced to conduct ten press conferences via the medium of dance

Leicester just can’t get over last season’s million-to-one achievement of understanding Claudio Ranieri’s tactics.

Manny Pacquiao asks Twitter followers to pick his next opponent. That’s so going to be Piers Morgan.

Jamie Vardy was hoping to play for England last summer. This summer he’ll be hoping to play for Millwall on loan.

Historic England have attacked plans for a towering pointless edifice to be positioned in the centre of Manchester…United’s midfield.

Mark Clattenburg will be fine in Saudi as his grasp of football rules is, well, sheihky.

By the way the easiest way for Arsenal to get rid of Wenger is to promise him a massive transfer war chest in the summer.

Leicester turned down £28m for Vardy. Next season they’ll pay someone £28m to take him.

That lunatic in control of America has done a speech again. To find the livestream just google ‘Mark Zuckerberg’.

I remain confident Jose Mourinho’s last act as a manager will be to bring himself on away to Stockport – while wearing a suit.

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