Boris Johnson’s seven great ideas to exploit Brexit

Newsfox has obtained the Brexit plan as written by Boris Johnson.

boris johnson

Export racist media articles

No-one does racism quite like our UK media. We cleverly place mindless and sexist celebrity content with plenty of racist bile and are able to sell it in huge numbers, even to people who might not actually be that racist. We can export these articles to the many countries where there is still a vaguely intelligent media peddling dangerous facts and explanations.

Commodore 64s

Until all these fancy whif whaff thingies came in from Europe like Sony. Hitachi and Apple, we Brits were producing some of the greatest cutting edge technology the world had ever seen. Commodore was in the cusp of producing games which took less than three hours to load. There are Bulgarians still asking me about it. Of course now we’re leaving the EU we can’t sell them C64s but we can boast about them during the deportation procedure.

Deportations

We are going to have to get bloody good at this as it looks like millions of people will not have legal status in a few years although even at this early stage it is absolutely clear that we will not have a clue who they are and change our minds every week depending on the polls. But once we have figured it all out, I really believe we can become a world leader in deportation. I think that bally water cannon will come in handy now.

Hollyoaks

I don’t know what the piffle this actually is but I hear it being mentioned and in a dynamic economy that’s how you make business bricks or whatever it is that everyone calls it these days. I am told the world really needs this Hollyoaks stuff, I imagine it is some kind of supercool futuristic software. The Qataris are already very excited about it.

Red tape sales

Well chums it turns out there might just be a bit more red tape than we thought. Now I know we said leaving the EU would reduce red tape, but – my fellow travellers in the Brave New World – we must use this opportunity to in fact become the world’s leading exporter of red tape. Squillions will come from all over the world to see just how little KPMG clowns actually have to do, to cane in £1200 nicker a day.

Make Alan Sugar Britain’s inventor in chief

The trouble with EU Britain is that it stifled creativity. Anyone who had an idea was literally just shot although I do not have the figures to hand. Now it’s time to hand back power to the great inventors of our time like Alan Sugar. He drew a face on a box the other day and said we could market it as a smartphone. I am sure of course that this was all an incredibly interesting motivational metaphor although he did seem awfully serious.

Wingsuit base-jumping alternatives

Thanks to the EU and their ridiculous regulations, people are actually allowed to jump off mountains with wings. This is classic EU: actually failing to apply health and safety when surely these wingwipe fafflebotherers would surely be safer going to a trampoline park. The UK has far better extreme sports, such as leaving a huge trading bloc without having any plan at a time when the economy is already smegged.

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