Topical jokes: Sam Allardyce, US election and UK politics

Also in this latest topical jokes round-up, we mock plans for a free baby box in Scotland; Mariah Carey’s New Year fiasco; a Labour’s MP defects to Sellafield; Ed Miliband’s image is used for a generic flu story in the US; Richard Hammonds offends gay people; and the Red Cross says the NHS is in crisis.

2016 has been horrific in terms of high profile deaths – in that none were hard-right politicians.

Bloody human rights just stops us getting stuff done. Yeah, like genocides and racial apartheid systems.

Putin says he was convinced bombing Syria was a good idea after listening to a speech by Hilary Benn.

The only way 2016 could troll liberals more is by getting Danny Dyer to voice Planet Earth.

Theresa May to lay out Brexit plan in the New Year. She’ll be formulating it on New Year’s Eve in the Pitcher and Piano, Aylesbury.

Can we take back control of UKIP’s EU money?

Thatcher wanted to crackdown on acid house parties when half the party was probably going to them.

Ed Miliband’s problem was starting every interview looking like an African IT expert who’s been mistaken for a News 24 guest.

TV station accidentally publishes image of Ed Miliband in totally unconnected news story. That’s my review of 2015 election coverage done.

New Scottish baby box to include a can of Irn Bru, an Irn Bru sweet, a bottle of WKD and an apology off Malky Mackay.

No point warning Nigel Farage about slippery slopes as he’ll just think your talking about the Chinese.

No-one should surely be surprised that Farage and Johnson support Clean and Hard. Boarding school eh?

Sellout-a-field

Nothing says epic career failure more than the job title ‘head of community relations at Sellafield’.

Scottish babies just need a video of Nigel Havers begging them not to support Scotland.

Sellafield are great listeners, especially as some staff have three ears.

Jeremy Hunt smiles nervously as he arrives at an NHS hospital to see Michael Burke and a film crew.

Jeremy Hunt’s answer to the NHS trolley crisis will be to build bigger corridors.

Julian Assange may be the first man to go from notional enemy of the state to presidential pick for homeland security.

Mariah Carey clearly another of Putin’s agents.

Mothercare probably has more restrictions on its emails than MI5.

Super Philip Hammond reacts to news that the Red Cross is propping up the NHS by asking if they can help out at the Treasury.

Theresa May says the Red Cross is off its trolley – unlike most NHS patients then.

Mild criticism of a motion in a jumped-up glee club is a worldwide crisis, while Israel killing kids merits a shrug.

Ah Xmas – that time of year when your best laid plans to avoid racist folk finally come unstuck.

So I just switched on telly and there’s like a guy dressed as a lion talking about dancing like it’s really serious. Is this new Twin Peaks?

Can’t we just retract Katie Hopkins?

Celebs want tweet editing – just in case their triple-edited verb-gruel turns out to be massively something-ist.

Fuckin’ Top Gear. Bunch of freaks who look they escaped from the Blue Oyster bar.

Cheer up everyone Phil Mitchell is still alive.

Preparation for the World Staring Championship starts with watching any video featuring Jack Whitehall.

Mariah Carey could only have messed up worse by actually singing.

Footy latest

China will make Carlton Palmer the world’s highest paid footballer just to see what Twitter does (and Carlton Palmer).

Good to see Crystal Palace have learnt from being duped by Tony Pulis by appointing a man who discusses fraud with total strangers.

Mikel off to China. Chinese Super League confirms this deal is basically to test that the online refund system is working.

Big Jurgen Klopp says it’s vital to give his youth players the chance to shine – so he can ship ’em all off on loan to League 2.

Breaking: Roy Evans to self-produce spoken word version of Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill.

Embarrassment in the Swansea boardroom as the new Yank owners ask who else that guy at Leeds has worked for.

Jonjo Shelvey has just gone favourite to be the next director of strategy at the Scottish Football Association.

Hopkins horror

Katie Hopkins 2017 Twitter target will be to get more retweets than published apologies.

Katie Hopkins re-tweets a neo Nazi, causing huge embarrassment – for the neo Nazi.

The real story should be Kate Hopkins still hasn’t apologised for 3.8m other racist and offensive tweets – which she posted yesterday.

Posh Spice has done nothing to deserve an honour – and that’s the main way to get one.

Richard Hammond thinks ice cream is a bit gay. Going around the world in a car with two blokes is, however, a lot gay.

In an era of unprecedented interest in soccer in the United States, some still don’t get it. Unfortunately one of them manages Swansea.

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it’ll still be more interesting than Scottish football.

Leicester ask for Jamie Vardy’s ban to be extended.

Mark Clattenberg wants in on China. Crazy fucks will probably put him up top wi Tevez for 200k/wk.

Allardyce back

Nasri in trouble over drip treatment. State of him lately I’d say the trouble is more to do with drippings.

Oscar going to some ridiculous league run by criminals to launder cash. Oh sorry I mean ‘leaving’.

Arsenal’s players were so tired last night that they scored three goals in the last 20 minutes.

Sam Allardicci was sacked for his knowledge of getting around transfer rules. The same reason for which Palace will employ him.

People say rugby coaches have no business in football but Sam Allardyce actually uses rugby tactics in football.

Sam Allardyce goes from managing England to Crystal Palace. Not sure he’ll be able to handle the step up in class.

Super Alan Pardew to forge new career dad dancing the Haka at stag dos.

Why does Sam Allardyce want to work with donkeys who’ve no chance of winning anything? Anyway that’s enough about his England career.

Hillary Clinton spending Christmas figuring how Trump tripling nukes is actually what Putin wants.

New sanctions on Putin prohibits Russia from ‘being really douchey’ but permits ‘mild doucheyness from time to time’.

Donald Trump’s pervy behaviour is surprising as he’s not a Libdem.

For women, getting a text off Tiger Woods must be a bit like when you see that scary kid in The Ring.

I don’t know if the US election was hacked. I’m sure Cubans, Chileans and Iranians will sympathise.

I think big Mariah Carey’s performance was an artistic impression of the Clinton election campaign.

My thoughts about the US justice system after Making A Murderer is that there is no US justice system.

Russia distorts the US election result – which at least makes a change from the US doing it.

The CIA reporting on election processes. Well if anyone has experience of skewing elections it’s them.

The US election may have been interfered with. But no point looking back to 2000.

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