Topical jokes: Malky Mackay, Pep Guardiola and Theresa May

Topical jokes as a bigot gets Scottish football’s top job. 


Malky Mackay cuts short his press conference to go have a bounce on some falsies.

Malky Mackay is an expert on diversity – his texts managed to insult almost every oppressed group in the country.

Malky Mackay now running Scottish youth football as the SFA confirms it is desperate for the school system to produce more racists.

SFA IT experts figuring out how to configure Malky Mackay’s iphone so he can only use the alarm setting.

SFA’s new youth football tsar is on Nick Griffin’s block list.

Show Racism the Red card backing Malky Mackay. Are they now called ‘Bring Racism on as a sub, it’s just bantz.’

The only minority group not targeted by Malky Mackay’s texts were the Malky Mackay fan club.

SFA’s publicity strategy is basically to hope that the coverage from employing a racist will remind people to buy Scottish Cup tickets.

Malky Mackay says judge me on my actions. We have you racist dipstick.

Pep Guardiola’s Leicester tactics was what you’d expect from a baseball fan playing Footy Manager.

Pep Guardiola’s tactics would’ve been reckless if he’d been doing them on @FootballManager after a night out.

Pep’s mission impossible

Pep Guardiola’s tactics would’ve been too attacking if Man City had been playing an under-9s team down to eight boys.

I believe Pep Guardiola will achieve the impossible at Man City – by making them worse than Man U.

Concerns at Man City as Pep Guardiola misses training ‘to make time travel with a Ford Cortina’.

Man City just praying Guardiola picks a keeper.

My advice to Jamie Carragher would be shut up and do a different job.

Why do they let the Nevilles talk on TV, asks big Jurgen Klopp. I mean, why do we let them talk?

Arron Banks says foreigners brought down Rome. Yes Arron, invasions are generally done by foreigners.

Chris Grayling says he hit a cyclist with a door to show him the benefits of alternative transport, such as flying.

Justice for Philip Davies would be if he gets home tonight and his wife beats the crap out of him.

Michael Moore says Trump not attending security briefings will lead to innocent folk dying. Isn’t that what the briefings aim to facilitate?

Corbyn’s clothes

New favourite for the 2017 Turner Prize is 2016.

Nick Park announces Wrong Trousers sequel starring Theresa May and Nicky Morgan.

People say only female politicians clothes get discussed. I mean you never hear anything about Corbyn’s appearance…

Theresa May wears £995 leather trousers – and still manages to look as stylish as Nora Batty.

Concern that  Theresa May looks like some ultra glam celebrity politician can be filed alongside fears of alien invasion.

I find it quite delicious that Theresa May spends a fortune on clothes and ends up looking like Theresa May.

Tories fear voters will be unimpressed by Theresa May’s luxury fashion. Yes, because she ends up looking like a Jeeves and Wooster extra.

The Libdems are a Tory side project.

Jeremy Corbyn to be relaunched as an anti-establishment figure. You’d think the guy had spent the past 20 years chairing RBS.

In 2015, many said Jeremy Corbyn could never lead the Labour Party. They were right.

Putin says he only hacked Obama to use his Facebook to send revenge porn to Angie Merkel for the bantz.

Prince Charles appears on Just a Minute. How does this parasite of state patronage manage to get Prince Charles on?

That Yahoo hack is so bad you’ve been affected even if you don’t have a Yahoo account.

The stock market should have that Benny Hill music playing 24/7.

Upmarket restaurant bans toddlers, blaming crying and unpredictable mood swings – of their parents.

We must be careful about aligning with a dangerous regime who could make us look stupid, says the Saudi Arabian government.

We should’ve intervene, wail the warmongerers and charlatans. We fucking did.

I’ll tell you what not having hope looks like – watching an episode of fucking Oprah.

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