Rooney in charge: Sam Allardyce jokes and Brexit jokes

Topical jokes as Sam Allardyce says he cannot tell Wayne Rooney where to play, David Davis reveals his Brexit ‘plan’, Labour launch UB40 manifesto, Keith Vaz hires hookers, Liam Fox says Britain is basically shit and Obama is insulted by the Philippines Prez.

wayne rooney

Wayne Rooney has told Sam Allardyce there’s no room on the plane home.

Sam Allardyce say it is not his job to say where Wayne Rooney should play, in an interview from Opposite World.

At this rate Wayne Rooney will just walk off the pitch for a Burger King while Big Sam smiles nervously.

Big Sam Allardicci used to be a pilot but was sacked because he said it wasn’t his job to decide where the plane should go.

Sam Allardyce says he’s against a points-based football comparison system.

UK out of EU. Allardyce managing England. It’s like reality has become a shit BBC2 nostalgia drama starring John Thompson.

England scraps World Cup 2022 win target. No decision yet on whether to keep other targets such as the invention of time travel by 2026.

England’s new target is to win the Check-A-Trade trophy by 2082.

England’s new target is to sack Sam Allardyce by 2022.

Brexit bufoon

Super David Davis says UK will overcome Brexit by re-conquering India and ‘the crucial tea-shipping routes’.

David Davis wouldn’t know how to leave a dinner party with Keith Vaz, his missus and two attractive lads who look really bored.

Labour launch diversity charter by explaining there will zero tolerance of tolerance.

I just feel sorry for Keith Vaz’s wife. And that’s it from my ‘Best Tweets from 2015’.

Panicking Owen Smith looks for a musical endorsement but can only get the guy who sang ‘send the buggers back’ on Phoenix Nights.

Politicians do see war as risky. In that their experience of it will be so distant it feels like a game.

A muffled recorded voice being channelled through a megaphone would have more warmth than Hilary Clinton and Theresa May combined.

Sadiq Khan: “I will let you know what I think about Fabric when I read all the available polls, sorry evidence.”

Liz Truss must be the first Justice Secretary who is thicker than the average lag.

Mass movements are matter.

Sport Direct chiefs hang their heads as big Mike Ashley reminds shareholders that they’re banned from going to the bog.

Ken Livingstone in more hot water as he links UB40 to good music.

Jeremy Corbyn will need to embrace a progressive alliance if he is win the support of more than 30% of UB40.

Barack Obama scraps talks with demented politician who just goes round insulting everybody. Donald Trump says he was busy anyway.

Those who say another world is possible need to bear in mind Elon Musk will be first to Mars and he’ll probably start a war with the sand.

Foxy faux pas

Government says Parliament needs to be totally rewired. That’s some metaphorical-ass governmenting that.

I suggest we forced MPs to stay in Parliament and then hope a series of industrial accidents remove the Tories.

Liam Fox says Britain is lazy and fat. Sure if by ‘Britain’ you mean ‘Tory MPs’.

Liam Fox, essentially salesman-in-chief of UK plc, says Britain is lazy and fat. Bloody Gerald Ratner would do a better job.

Listen big Liam Fox could sell sand to the Saudis. If that sand blew up kids and commanded great advisory fees.

Matter of weeks before ‘British Trump’ Liam Fox says we need to Take Back Control by rejoining the EU.

Maybe MPs could move into one of the soon-to-be-empty BHS stores.

Parliament needs a total rewire, say engineers. And citizens.

The beautiful irony of regulation-hating Tories being injured in Parliament due to a lack of building regs.

 

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